(August 28, 2025)
Daniel pulled their motorcycle to the side of the road and stared out over the beautiful expanse of clear, blue lake.
It was a beautiful day. The kind of day designed for making memories. Get the bike out, pick a pub, and off you go to enjoy the weather and leave all your stresses and cares behind you. And with scenery like this, how could any trouble find you?
Movement in the corner of Daniel’s eye caught their attention, and they turned their head, expecting to see a squirrel or a bird.
What they did not expect was the short, squat little man glowering at him from between two towering aspens.
“Oh, hello,” Daniel said.
The man’s eyes turned heated, raging.
“Um... can I help you?”
Daniel looked around, wondering if they’d accidentally hit this man’s dog without realizing, but the road was empty. Everything was empty. No one was here except for this short, squat, little man.
“Yes,” he said, his voice like gravel. “You can help me by come with me and agreeing to be our sacrifice.”
(October 9, 2025)
Daniel stared at the man. “Um. No, thank you?”
The man scowled. “Not a question. Come, come.”
He waved for Daniel to follow, then turned and walked away. Daniel stared after him for a moment, not sure what to make of any of this, then got back onto their motorcycle...
...and found themselves walking after the man.
Okay, well, that didn’t seem good.
The trees around them faded away, and sudden Daniel stood in the town square of a small village, surrounded by people who barely came up to their knee.
The man who’d led Daniel drew to a stop by a small stage. “Up. We need to get ready to kill you.”
Daniel fought with everything they had, but before long, they were on the stage.
(October 28, 2025)
“Okay, but, before you start, can I just ask... why do you need to kill me?”
A short female-appearing figure stared up at the sky. “To appease the gods, of course.”
“Your gods expect you to lure random people off the road and sacrifice them?”
She blinked. “What? No. What do you take us for? Monsters?”
Daniel said nothing, letting their stare to the talking.
She rolled her eyes. “We sacrifice those with the blood of our enemies?”
“Motorcyclists?”
“Are you not...? Do you not have...? You’re not an ogre?”
Daniel didn’t know whether or not to feel offended. “NO!”
As a whole, the group turned to the man who’d lured them here. He flushed. “Um.”
The sky darkened, and the woman let out a sigh. “Well, crap.”
(December 5, 2025)
Daniel stared up at the sky, waiting for the clouds to part and some great spiritual being to step through, but instead they received a raindrop in the eye.
“Son of a—”
“Get down!”
Someone grabbed their arm and pulled them out of a way just as a giant hand appeared from nowhere to swipe at the platform.
“Someone bleed!” cried the woman who’d grabbed Daniel’s arm. “Quick!”
The man who’d brought Daniel here sliced the palm of his hand and threw the blood into the air. The giant hand retreated, and the sky cleared.
“Well,” Daniel said, heart pounding in their chest. “That was exciting.”
“It’s not over yet,” the woman grumbled. “Everyone, prepare stations. We’ve got some pissed off gods coming through and no ogre on hand. You know what that means.”
The man gulped. “Someone’s getting eaten.”
Daniel glowered at him. “I hope it’s you.”
(January 23, 2026)
Daniel thought that after the confusion about their non-ogreness was cleared up, they’d let them go, but instead they found themself armed with a pitchfork and wearing a helmet half a size too small for their head, standing among the other, shorter people beside the platform in town square.
“What is a pitchfork going to do against the gods?” they asked.
The woman—Berthe--cast them a look. “Make you feel better about your death.”
Wonderful. They looked over their shoulder, hoping to see a way out, but there was nothing but more people waiting for the gods’ arrival.
And arrive they did.
The skies split, and three bright beams of light drifted down to the platform. When the light dimmed, three figures twice Daniel’s height stood before them.
“We demand our sacrifice!”
(January 29, 2026)
“Oh great ones!” Berthe said. “We receive you with great fear and humility!”
“Humility doesn’t feed us, tiny grump. Where is our ogre?”
She shot Daniel a dark look, which they returned with a glower. It was not their fault they weren’t an ogre.
“Oh magnificent ones, do we no have an ogre for you. Is there anything else that would appease you? A human, perhaps?”
Daniel tightened their grip on the pitchfork, ready to fight, but the god sneered. “Humans do not taste good. Too stringy.”
Daniel didn’t know whether they should be offended by that.
One of the other gods drew themselves up to full height. “No food? Very well, then, we demand a game! A puzzle to the death.”
(March 16, 2026)
Why was everything to the death with these people?
But Daniel didn’t have a chance to question them before Berthe grabbed their arm and tugged them towards the gods. Others followed, and the group stopped a few metres away from the towering beings. The gods leaned towards each other, conferring among themselves, and then the one of the left raised its hands.
“The puzzle! You must cross the river without floating or swimming. When you reach the other side, you must get to the top of the tallest tree without climbing. Fail, and you die. Succeed… and perhaps you’ll live to see another day.”
Daniel looked at the determined faces standing nearby. A few people had grown pale, but none looked prepared to refuse.
“All right then,” they said. “I’ll leave you to it. Good luck, strange people!”
Berthe tightened her grip on their arm. “No, not-ogre. You must be the one to carry out this task.”
(April 24, 2026)
Daniel stood on the edge of the river hating everything about their life. If they hadn’t decided on the bike tour today, they wouldn’t be in this mess. They should have kicked the small man down the escarpment when they had the chance. Now they had to figure out how to survive a challenge put to them by gods that weren’t even theirs.
Insult, injury, all that fun stuff.
So okay. The river. No floating or swimming. Since Daniel doubted they could get away with a boat not being considered floating, they’d need to get creative. Fortunately, the water appeared calm today, though they were sure that at the deepest, it was likely a few metres over their head. Could they drain the river?
Bah, not likely. Not without pissing off all the people who relied on it. Fine.
They looked around at all the people in the village. The ones who’d forced them into this position. If Daniel was going to save their asses, they were going to help, dammit.
“Everyone in the water. Hold hands. Float.”
They exchanged looks.
Berthe cleared her throat. “But the gods said—”
“The gods said the person solving the puzzle can’t float. You chose that person to be me. I’m not floating. Go.”
It took a while, but one by one, they got into the water, held hands, and stretched themselves across the river. At least twenty four of them. Daniel breathed out a heavy breath, prayed to their own gods… and stepped onto the stomach of the first person. Then hopped to the next, and the next, and the next. Curses followed them as they went, anger, wet sputtering, shrieks. But ten minutes later, Daniel stood on the opposite shore. They waited to see if the gods would accept their solution.
(May 8, 2026)
Time ticked on with nothing, and Daniel huffed at the silence. “Well?” they shouted.
“Good enough,” a disembodied voice said, sounding bored, but at least it didn’t sound hungry.
“Waste of time,” Daniel grumbled under their breath. “Just trying to go for a ride, enjoy the weather, get some fresh air, now I’m solving puzzles of someone else’s gods.”
It struck them just how bizarre their day had become, but the incredibleness did nothing to shake off their irritation at the inconvenience.
“Fine. The tree.”
They turned their attention to the trees, searching for the one that appeared tallest. From where they stood, all the trees looked tall, but one towered over the others by at least an extra three metres, putting it well over sixty. Even if Daniel had wanted to climb it, the branches only started halfway up, leaving no way for them to do so the old-fashioned way.
They crossed their arms and stared up at the tree. Their nemesis. If they solved this puzzle, they would survive and the gods would be appeased. Fail and they’d never get home. No pressure.
They walked around the tree, hoping for an epiphany like what had come to them about the river, but other than the idea of chopping down the tree, nothing came to them. And they weren’t about to cut down a gorgeous old tree for the sake of some bored gods.
The gods. This was all their fault. They’d backed everyone into a corner and demanded everyone dance to entertain them. But what did they do? How did they actually help? If they were going to be prayed to, they had to provide something in return.
“Hey gods!” Daniel yelled, and although it took a while, one eventually took shape.
“Do you give up, human?” it asked.
“Not at all. I’m supposed to get up to the top of the tree without climbing? Fine. Put me up there.”
The god blinked, but Daniel held their ground.
“That’s—that’s not…”
“Wasn’t part of the rules, doesn’t count,” Daniel said. “Put me up there.”
The god continued to stare. “Hmm…”
But after a moment, it nodded and grew until it loomed over the tallest tree. Then two giant fingers, each the size of Daniel themself, reached out, plucked him off the ground, and set them on top of the tree.
“There,” they said. “You happy now? Both puzzled met.”
A moment’s silence as the gods discussed it.
“We are pleased.”
They disappeared… leaving Daniel stranded at the top of a 60-metre tree.